1. Into the Church
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
The woman says, "Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
3. Good Lights
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.
"Great," she said.
I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.
"I don’t want this box," she said abruptly. "It’s been opened."
Stop the Presses
These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.
• Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
• Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
• Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
• Book Given as Gift Actually Read
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5. Hiding the Presents
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."
6. Gift Exchange
My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”
7. Limited Knowledge
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can’t do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don’t worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?"
8. Odd Christmas Visit
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan."
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9. Quick Cleanup
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
10. Post Holiday Blues
A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: "It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes."
11. Easy to Forgive
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: "No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is."
12. Waiting for Christmas
My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, "What time does Jesus get here?"
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13. Christmas Eve Service
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?"
A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"
More: Funny StuffChristmas, Hanukkah
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My Town Tutors loves a good laugh. Over the years we have acquired many jokes that are school appropriate. In fact we wrote a blog 180 School Jokes! Start Your Day with a Smile!
As Christmas approaches, we wanted to share a few more seasonal jokes with you. We hope you enjoy.
- Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctors?…He was feeling crummy.
- What is the difference between the alphabet and the Christmas alphabet?…The Christmas alphabet has no L (noel)
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?… Frostbite
- What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?…A cookie sheet!
- Where do Santa Claus and the elves keep their money?… In a snow bank.
- If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does an astronaut get?…Missile Toe
- What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?…Claustrophobic
- How do elves climb up to the top of Santa’s Castle?…Using an “Elf”-evator.
- Elves use what kind of money?…Jingle bills!
- What would you call the twelfth elf that comes to help other 11 elves in the workshop?…The twelf
- What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery?…Welfy
- Where would a reindeer go to find her lost tail?…”Re-tail” store.
- Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?…Comet!
- Who is rudest reindeer?…”Rude”-olph
- How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?…He looks at his calen-”deer”!
- What did the reindeer say when he saw an elf?…Nothing, reindeer can’t talk.
- Which elf was the best singer?…ELFis Presley.
- Why the turkey was asked to join the band by elves?… because he had the drum sticks!
- What is for lunch on Christmas Day for snowmen?…Icebergers!
- How do snowmen travel around?…By icicle!
- How does one snowman greet another snowman?….Ice to meet you.
- What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?…Answer: Brrrr- itos.
- What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?…Cold cash!
- Where does a snowman keep his money?…In a snow bank.
- What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve?…Halo there!
- If Santa Claus is crossed with a detective then you would get what?…Santa Clues!
- What is the snowman’s breakfast?…Frosted flakes!
- Where the snowman does dances on?…A snow ball!
- What snowmen wear on the Christmas Eve?…Ice caps.
- When Santa doesn’t move then what he should be called?…Santa Pause.
- Do you know any bird that can write?…Pen-guine.
- How do sheep in Mexico greet Merry Christmas?…Fleece Navidad!
- What kind of music does elves like best?…”Wrap” music!
- How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?… A merry Christmas to ewe.
- What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?… Black mail!
- How do elves greet each other?… “Small world, isn’t it?”
- What do elves learn in schools?… the “elf”-abet!
- What nationality is Santa?… North Polish!
- What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?… Crisp Cringle!
- What did the ghost say to Santa?… We’ll have a boo Christmas without you!
- What do you call a cat at the beach during Christmastime?… Sandy Claws!
- What do snowmen eat for breakfast?… Snowflakes!
- Why does Santa have 3 gardens?… So he can ho-ho-ho!
- Why was Santa’s little helper sad?… He had low elf esteem!
- What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?… Ribbon Hood
- What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?…It’s Christmas, Eve !
- What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?… The letter “D”!
- What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?… Black mail!
- Who delivers cat’s Christmas presents?… Santa Paws!
- Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?… Because it soots him!
- What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?…Chill out.
- What does Jack Frost like best about school?…Snow and tell.
- Define claustrophobia…Fear of Santa Claus?
- Knock, knock…Who’s there?…Olive…Olive, who?…Olive the other reindeer.
- A Christmas book never written: “What Did I Do Wrong THIS Year?” by Kole N. Stocking.
- What did one snowman say to the other snowman?…Do you smell carrots?
- Knock Knock…Who’s there?… Snow… Snow who?… Snow business like show business !
- Knock Knock…Who’s there?…Wayne…Wayne who?… Wayne in a manger!
- Knock Knock…Who’s there?…Avery…Avery who?…Avery merry Christmas!
- Knock Knock…Who’s there?…Mary… Mary who?… Mary Christmas!
- Where do polar bears vote?…The North Poll.
- Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?…Because the angel had said, “No L!”
- Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?…You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
- What do reindeer say before telling a joke?… This one will sleigh you!
- Why is a reindeer like a gossip?… Because they are both tail bearers!
- Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?… Because they would look silly in plastic macs!
- How do you make a slow reindeer fast?… Don’t feed it!
- Why did the reindeer wear black boots?… Because his brown ones were all muddy!
- How long should a reindeer’s legs be?… Just long enough to reach the ground!
- Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?… Because he didn’t want to be recognized!
- Which reindeer have the shortest legs?…The smallest ones!
- Where do you find reindeer?… It depends on where you leave them!
- What do reindeer have that no other animals have?… Baby reindeer !
- What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?… She gave him the cold shoulder!
- What do snowmen wear on their heads?…Ice caps!
- What’s an ig?…An eskimo’s home without a loo!
- What do snowmen eat for lunch?… Icebergers!
- Where do snowmen go to dance?…Snowballs!
- How do snowmen travel around?…By iceicle!
- What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?… A snowball!
- How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?… You wake up wet!
- What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?… Frost bite!
- How do you call an Eskimo cow?… An Eskimoo!
- What’s white and goes up?… A confused snowflake!
- What is the best Christmas present in the world?….A broken drum, you cant beat it!
- What says, “Now you see me, now you don’t, now you see me, now you don’t?”…A snowman on a cross walk!
- What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a duck?… A Christmas Quacker!
- What is green, white, and red all over?… A sunburnt elf.
- Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?… Rude-olph!
- What do cows say at Christmas?… MOOey Christmas!
- What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?… The Christmas alphabet has NOEL!
- Where does a snowman keep his money?… In a snow bank.
- Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?… They are always dropping their needles.
- Why do mummies like Christmas so much?… Because of all the wrapping!
- What goes in a chimney red and comes out of it black?… Santa Claus.
- What’s white and red and goes up and down and up and down?… Santa Claus in an elevator!
- How do you scare a snowman?… You get a hairdryer!
- What do they sing under the ocean during the winter?… Christmas Corals!
- How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?… Nothing, it was on the house!
- What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies?… Santa’s burps!
- What do snowmen do on Christmas?… Play with the snow angels.
- Who says “Oh, Oh, Oh!”?… Santa walking backwards!
- What do you call a Santa that sleeps all the time?… Santa snores!
- What’s a good holiday tip?… Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
- What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?… Silent Night.
- What do you call a snowman in the summer?… A puddle!
- What does Santa clean his sleigh with?… Comet.
- What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?… An ice burger with chili sauce.
- Why is Santa so good at karate?… Because he has a black belt!
- Why did the candy cane cross the road?… Because it wanted to get a licking!
- What’s the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?… A list of everything you want!
- What kind of bug hates Christmas?… A humbug.
- What two countries should the chef use when he’s making Christmas dinner?… Turkey and Greece.
- Who gives presents to baby sharks?… Santa Jaws.
- What’s white, red and blue at Christmas time?… A sad candy cane!
- What do you call a girl with a Christmas Tree on her head?… Carol.
- What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations?… Tinsilitis!
- What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked in the sky?… “Looks like rain, dear.”
- Why did Frosty have a carrot in his nose?… Because he forgot where the refrigerator was.
- What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?… Auld Fang Syne!
- What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament?… “Aren’t you tired of hanging around?”
- Why are there only snowmen and not snowwomen?… Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
- What’s Santa’s favorite candy?… Jolly Ranchers!
- What did the monkey sing on Christmas day?… Jungle bells, Jungle bells…
- What did the reindeer say when he saw an elf?… Nothing, reindeer can’t talk.
- What do you call Santa when he goes down a chimney with a fire at the bottom?… Krisp Cringle.
- What is big, red and flies in the sky?… Santa Clause!
- Did you hear about the fire cracker’s Christmas party?… It was a BANG!
- What do you get if you cross an apple and a Christmas tree?… Pineapple.
- What is the cleanest reindeer called?… Comet.
- How do you know when Santa’s in the room?… You can sense his presents.
- What did the cow get for Christmas?… A COWculator.
- What’s red and white, red and white, red and white?… Santa Claus rolling down the hill.
- What comes before Christmas Eve?… Christmas Adam!
- Why did Jimmy’s grades drop after the holidays?… Because everything was marked down!
- Knock knock… Who’s there?… Snow… Snow who?…. Snow use. I forgot my name again!
- Knock knock… Who’s there?… Gladis… Gladis who?… Gladis not me who got coal this Christmas!
- Knock knock… Who’s there?… Santa… Santa who?… Santa Clause!
- Knock knock…Who’s there?… Irish... Irish who?… Irish you a Merry Christmas!
- Knock knock... Who’s there?… Mary and Abbey... Mary and Abbey who?… Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year!
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